This is an interesting concept in equality. Especially for women as we are so good at giving advice. Heck, we bring up those kids that need our advice so much - or do they?
Aren't we trying to control them rather than giving advice? I can hear you saying, hey they need to get to school, or they need to do so and so, and I'm in a hurry, on a deadline. You just don't understand! Yeah, I do. I raised two girls, and now a granddaughter.
Not giving advice unless it's asked for creates a level of balance, strength, and inner commitment in respecting the other person. Respect. A word with so much weight. Equality and respect for another goes hand in hand.
Another spin on this idea is unconditional parenting, unconditional relationships, where acceptance of the other person is there regardless of the current behavior.
Do you give advice to your spouse without him or her asking for it? Heck, he should do this, or if he would only do that, if only he could do that? All words of control. Lack of respect. Lack of equality!
Do you give advice to your coworkers or boss? Or friends for that matter? Sometimes its so subtle but it's there and we secretly feel a pinch of pleasure that "we told them". Really! Naw! They feel that subtle element of control, lack of respect, lack of equality!!
Women do have that reputation for nagging their husbands. It's a generalization, and all generalizations have an element of truth to them.
Could you see yourself backing off and letting ther other person just be themselves without your input? Are you centered enough to do this? They will ask you for your opinion, eventually and then they are ready, not before.
You feel it too, when someone is trying to control you or coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. You feel their lack of respect,lack of equality or their assumption of superiority.
Don't tell them without their asking for your advice is a huge issue in regards to equality. We are so much more powerful if we can remain calm and give advice when its asked for. Give it, short and sweet without ego attached and your advice will be sought out time after time.
5 comments:
My Mother said to me years ago that it was the job of the older generation to give advice to the younger generation because they had more experience in “worldly ways”. I was around twenty at the time and thought what a bunch of crap that was because her world was a very sheltered one and mine certainly was not. But now as an older person I do understand what she was saying. When you see someone making a mistake that you’ve already made, and you know it’s going to adversely affect them, you feel compelled to offer advice in the hopes that your experience will help them make the correct decision. But by doing that, I now realize, you prohibit that person from learning their own lessons and growing in their own way. As much as we would like to try to “advise” everyone, this life is your one go-round to learn and grow into the person you want to be. No one has the right to manipulate another, which is what slyly given advice can be, into doing what they believe best.
Opinions are like bums, everyone has one. Good or bad, we all have experiences we transfer to others. Sometimes it is overt, but it can be intuitive. Advice can come in many forms and for many reasons.
Many gems given to us verbally are the traditional sort passed on to caution, guide and instruct. “Don’t touch hot surfaces”. “Eat your food”. “Do say ‘Thank you’ for a kindness”. These are necessary to protect, promote life, and create a social awareness.
There is the observational experience. Watching others destroy their own lives, their families and their environment becomes the situation in which the person being watched is a lesson of what not to do. Such as knowing someone uses drugs . . . understanding how that affects their consciousness . . . learning they smashed their car into a pedestrian. This is the lesson in common sense for others.
There are also the hard knocks of actually of experience. There is nothing so painful than to watch someone careen into life only to become a casualty. Often we others in the society or family are left to pick up the pieces. Consequences of actions are often felt by more than just the individual.
I was always of the opinion that you could say anything to anyone, as long as you did it with benevolence. I’m not sure advice is a bad thing, particularly offered as a helping gesture. Allowing, always, for the other person to ‘take it or leave it’, but behaving in an overbearing manor, using control, and undue force or pressure is not acceptable.
My Dad always said, “You can buy them books and buy them books”. By this he meant some people never learn by advice, only until they go through it for themselves or they don’t learn it at all. Perhaps it is the good advice unheeded, not unneeded that is a problem.
That was perfectly put. There is also a way to preface "suggestions" - advice - by starting with "Have you thought about" instead of "You should". I know when I hear "should" I don't like it much. But you are so right, when people, particularly family, make bad choices it's usually the rest of the family that are left picking up the pieces.
I completely agree, Often times when Im given advice without asking I feel as if Im being talked down to. Although in my older wiser years, I have realized that it is with the most sincere intent. I try myself to never give advice unless asked but it is sometimes difficult when you are a kind compssionate person such as myself to only want to help. I however prefer to figure things out on my own, as I am a follow your heart person not a follow your brain person.
I completely agree, Often times when Im given advice without asking I feel as if Im being talked down to. Although in my older wiser years, I have realized that it is with the most sincere intent. I try myself to never give advice unless asked but it is sometimes difficult when you are a kind compssionate person such as myself to only want to help. I however prefer to figure things out on my own, as I am a follow your heart person not a follow your brain person.
Post a Comment